Grief Pt.3
Being Alone – Quiet
My previous post was on “loneliness.” I want to expand that theme somewhat. For me, not all silence or being alone is negative. Silence allows me to both think and rest. So much of loss can be preceded by intense levels of self-denial and servanthood. This can make times of being alone welcomed. There is an important difference between being alone and loneliness. Loneliness is not always the companion of being alone. Peace can also be it’s companion. Out of concerned for my well being, people often ask me if I am okay living alone. Often, they seem surprised when I reply that I prefer it.
This has been as much a surprise to me as to others. I was asking myself why? I actually was puzzled why it has been so attractive. My husband traveled frequently in certain periods of our lives. Being alone didn’t bother me then. Of course, one is never alone if you have 4 children!
In 56 years of marriage, we had people living with us for perhaps 48 years. We always enfolded others. When I was puzzling over this question of why I liked living alone, (not praying, simply talking out loud as one does from time to time), suddenly I heard the Lord in my head and heart saying, “It’s because it’s the first time since you were 2 years old that you haven’t been taking care of someone.” The tone was not rebuking, rather soft, affirming and understanding.
This was a shock to me. First because I wasn’t talking to God about this, yet he was listening to me, as if I was, and He felt I needed His perspective. Second, because I had never thought about this before. It was true (as if God lies).
I had twin sisters born when I was 2 1/2. My mother was not the healthiest person. My father was in the military and often not available. I became mom’s right hand of help, for most everything. As the oldest child I often carried more responsibility. As time went on and life became more complicated, I did much of the parenting of siblings as well as taking care of household responsibilities. I never paid the bills. I worked to have money to take care of my own needs.
I married at 18, and we made a choice to keep a home that was open to making a home for others. We had 4 children of our own, and at various times we enfolded my sisters, multiple nieces, for years at a time. Close friends, strangers, children returning home with grandchildren (with spouses or on their own) and aging parents. We had lots of people from our church live with us. Mostly they were people going through some crisis and stayed for a year or two. Some stayed longer. Up until one month prior to Don’s death we were a wonderful and blessed family of eight for 3 1/2 years. The help was mutual and very needed. I will always treasure those years.
When you are alone there is no competition for your time. No one is going to walk through the door needing a glass of water. There are no questions from family and friends you love, that demand answering within a particular time frame. Being alone can be a welcomed cocoon that allows you to define your activity, schedule and energy level, without pressure from others. The only chaos is of your own making.
For me, noise has been tiring rather than energizing. I currently can APPRECIATE it in small doses. I am on the introvert side of personality types. My tolerance for sorting through disagreements or foolishness is at an all time low, although I can see improvement. This is sad for me. Patience has often been one of my stronger characteristics. It is a stage of grief. I take encouragement from this because my impatience is not a permanent condition, yet my fear is that it will drive people away.
I think there are some who don’t want to ever be around people again. They isolate themselves in unhealthy ways. We are meant to live in community, and so we need to beware not to isolate. Life is being redefined, which is awkward. I find it very helpful to make myself stay engaged, being sensitive to when I am better served by being alone. After 7 months I have begun to open up my home again, having occasional guest for dinner or a meeting. Having overnight guests. I am enjoying having people visit again.
I have a friend whom I have daily online contact with. My children are great about checking in. One of my son’s asks me from time to time, who I’ve seen in a given week. He isn’t prying, simply monitoring. My daughter asked how I feel about different aspects of my activity. Again not as a judge, rather helping me be honest. I appreciate all of them. I think having people who lovingly monitor you, helps you better evaluate how your journey is going. Grief and loss are not something you get over, rather you integrate them into the bigger picture of life. It is not quick and mistakes are made along the way. I am at the front end of a process.
Matt. 14:10,12-13
John was beheaded in the prison… John’s disciples came for his body and buried it. Then they went and told Jesus what had happened. As soon as Jesus heard the news he left in a boat to a remote area to be alone.
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