Grief Pt.6 – One Year Out
It’s been 5 months since I last wrote. I’ve had nothing remarkable to say, which says something about grief. It’s kind of boring. It has been 1 year since I began the journey without Don by my side. It seems more like 6 months. Life goes on. New routines are forged. I am still on a learning curve. I am still not making any huge decisions. I am traveling, teaching, and preaching again. I’ve taken on the job of mentoring some people. I am getting ready to write again. I worry about money, even though God has told me not to. “I don’t want you ever to worry about money!” He spoke fairly sternly. I think I am manufacturing the stress which I know is a sin, because I don’t want to sell my home. I couldn’t handle it right now. In the natural it is the asset I have that would ensure I have finances. God uses the natural and the supernatural. He hasn’t told me to sell my house. These are the kinds of things that are normal challenges occurring in loss.
One thing I have observed is that grief, for me, is much like looking down on a hurricane from outer space. The center is tightly packed together, but the further you travel out from the center, it resembles a spiral. There are bands of weather with clear spaces between them. The further out from the center the more space between the bands. In grief, there are bands of weather. You pass though these bands, verses being in the middle of a compact storm that happens when the loss occurs. That has been helpful for me to understand. It’s hopeful because I know when I am going through a band, I am going to emerge on the other side of that weather.
I was recently talking with two men whose wives died a while ago. One of them lost his wife 3 years ago. They asked how long it had been since Don had died. I said it had been a year. I was saying that people have told me the second year is harder than the first but shared none would tell me what made it worse. Both told me it was simply different. Then the one whose wife had died 3 years ago offered this insight. He said, “On one hand you have the good things that happen. The prayers that are answered, the joys of your family and friends, the hobbies you enjoy, ongoing positive new experiences, the goodness of your relationship with God. And on the other hand, you have the misery of the fact that you are alone, you miss the one you love! You miss the life you shared. You miss who you were with them.” He then said, “That part doesn’t get better. It’s a bummer and it sucks.” The other man said, “With time it gradually lessens, but it doesn’t go away.”
That pretty much described it to me. And it made sense. The two sides of life and loss. It is not always black or grey, it’s more complex and complicated.
I have been to Spain twice in the last 4 months. The first time was with a team. The second I went on my own. Going on my own was very intimidating. One thing I noticed was there were things I would have really enjoyed doing with Don, but without him they made me feel very lonely. The act of traveling. Eating out by myself. Another was taking nice walks on a sunny day. They became things I made myself do, because I knew they were good for me, even if they didn’t feel good. It was a wonderful trip. Remarkable and worthwhile because of the things that happened. I am so thankful I went. Yet at times it was not easy. If you want to feel better in life, focus on helping others not yourself. It’s a God principle that returns life. I received much life on both of my trips to Spain.
I had a wrestling match with God prior to going. I thought God was encouraging me to go, and I was dragging my heels. I finally said to him, “You know I really don’t want to travel alone. As clearly as I’ve heard anything he has said to me, he replied “You know Nancy, I am a pretty good traveling companion.” What can a girl say to that? My response was, “Okay, but I am going to hold you to it.” He was great! Truly he was before me and beside me in everything. I got very sick for a day. I had everything I needed within a few hours – including a doctor and medicine! Remarkable. And my friends went and picked everything up, so I didn’t need to leave my room. I wasn’t down for 24 hours. The doctor called me every day for 3 days just to make sure I was okay. It was way better care than I would have gotten at home.
Since I returned home, I have still held him to that word. When you hear something so clearly – it impacts you deeply. My thinking now is what is the difference between Spain and NH. What I am doing here is unfamiliar and I am alone (I have family, but they don’t live with me, and all have very busy lives.) I always know Jesus is with me but thinking of him as a traveling companion is a cool way to frame his presence with me in the journey.
I still don’t have a lot of enthusiasm for life, but it is better than it was. I still must make myself get up most mornings. Every thought I have is cycled through the lens of death. I hope that fades away one day. Many things I do are intentional decisions, rather than born of joy. That doesn’t mean they don’t give me joy, but I must decide to do them, then expend effort, before joy comes in their wake.
On the bright side, I went to the beach for the first time in 6 years. It was where Don and I spent many a day off as pastors, when he was well. He’d read and body surf and I’d sun and read. It was where we had our first dates. He lived in an apartment on Santa Monica Beach in California. I was a California girl, so the beach was a lifestyle. When he began to have problems with his back, he couldn’t manage either beach chairs or walking on uneven sand because of his balance and pain. It was wonderful to return to the ocean, I’d forgotten how much I loved it.
While I was in Spain, I enjoyed some empanadas. I could never get Don interested in trying out the many empanada stands/stores. I always deferred to him, because that delighted me. This trip I quite enjoyed trying them, because Don wasn’t with me. Bittersweet. I will certainly have more.
I am still spending 1 1/2 to 2 hours daily reading, processing, talking to God about His Word. This above all else keeps me centered, mentally healthy, hopeful, growing, and hearing His Voice. I am still letting my future unfold, rather than forcing anything. I trust it is unfolding in God’s purposes – that He is directing my steps.
I enjoy time with my friends and making new friends more than ever. I think I am more relaxed. Family is simply the best. I am still enjoying living alone.
Nothing earth shattering. As I said I am just one person and not an expert. Everyone’s experience is different. There is no right or wrong, simply more and less helpful ways to handle our loss. My life has two sides, the good and the hard. One day I will write a book about it. Loving God Practically in Loss. I think right now I have some more lessons to learn first, both about myself and loss.
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